This guy is in line

This guy is in line at the Super Market when he notices a hot blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him. He is stunned that such a hottie would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "Sorry, do you know me?" She replies "I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!" His mind remembers back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful to his wife, "Christ!" he says, "Are you that stripper at my bachelor party I had on the pool table in front of all my friends, while your partner whipped me with wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ass?" "No" she coldly replied, "I'm your son's English Teacher."

An elderly lady was placed in a nursing home

An elderly lady was placed in a nursing home by her adult daughter. One day one of the nurses put the woman in a chair by a window thinking she might like to get some sun and watch the outside view. As the nurse glanced over from time-to-time to make certain the woman was alright, she noticed the patient was starting to slowly lean to the left. After watching her lean more and more for awhile, the nurse walked over and straightened the patient in her chair. Awhile later the nurse noticed the elderly patient was starting to lean toward the right side. After awhile of this the nurse walked over and once more straightened the patient. A short time later the daughter of the woman came to visit. She asked her mother how she was doing in the nursing home. "Oh, the food's good, the nurses are nice to me, and there seems to be plenty to do around here." "That's wonderful, Mother," the daughter exclaims, happily. "There's only one problem I'm having," the elderly mother states. "What's that, Mom?" "This one nurse won't let me fart when I need to."