THINK OF ROBERT E. LEE
A farmer in his pickup truck in Alabama was driving across a
bridge when he noticed a man standing on the rail of the
bridge ready to jump to his death in the river below.
The farmer stopped his truck ran up to the man and said, "Hey
fellow, why are you doing this?"
The man replied, "Well, I have nothing to live for."
The Alabama farmer replied, "Well, think of your wife and
children!"
The jumper replied, "I have no wife or children."
The Alabama farmer then said, "Well, then think of your
mother and father!"
The man replied, "Mom and Dad passed on many years back."
The Alabama farmer then said, "Well, think of General
Robert E. Lee!"
The would-be jumper replied, "Who?"
With that the Alabama farmer said, "Well then go ahead,
jump!"
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Friday, February 23, 2007
This guy is in line
This guy is in line at the Super Market when he notices a hot blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.
He is stunned that such a hottie would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "Sorry, do you know me?"
She replies "I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"
His mind remembers back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful to his wife, "Christ!" he says, "Are you that stripper at my bachelor party I had on the pool table in front of all my friends, while your partner whipped me with wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ass?"
"No" she coldly replied, "I'm your son's English Teacher."
An elderly lady was placed in a nursing home
An elderly lady was placed in a nursing home by her adult daughter. One day one of the nurses put the woman in a chair by a window thinking she might like to get some sun and watch the outside view. As the nurse glanced over from time-to-time to make certain the woman was alright, she noticed the patient was starting to slowly lean to the left. After watching her lean more and more for awhile, the nurse walked over and straightened the patient in her chair.
Awhile later the nurse noticed the elderly patient was starting to lean toward the right side. After awhile of this the nurse walked over and once more straightened the patient.
A short time later the daughter of the woman came to visit. She asked her mother how she was doing in the nursing home.
"Oh, the food's good, the nurses are nice to me, and there seems to be plenty to do around here."
"That's wonderful, Mother," the daughter exclaims, happily.
"There's only one problem I'm having," the elderly mother states.
"What's that, Mom?"
"This one nurse won't let me fart when I need to."
This is one of my favorites. It has suprise, irony, and humor.
A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.
"Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience.
When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have intercourse with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."
Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"
"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."
"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house."
Henry Ford dies and goes to Heaven. At the gates, St. Peter greets Ford, and tells him, "Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention . . . the assembly line for the automobile . . . changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven that you want."
Ford thinks a minute, then says, "I want to hang out with God himself."
So the befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room, and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, "When you invented Woman, what were you thinking?"
God asks, "What do you mean?"
"Well," says Ford, " you have some major design flaws in your invention.
1. There's too much front end protrusion.
2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.
3. Maintenance is extremely high.
4. It constantly needs repainting and refinishing.
5. It is out of commission at least 5 or 6 of every 28 days.
6. The rear end wobbles too much.
7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
8. The headlights are usually too small.
9. Fuel consumption is outrageous -
- Just to name a few"
"Hmmmm. . ." replies God. "Hold on a minute." God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results.
In no time, the computer prints out a report, and God reads it. God then turns to Ford, and says, " It may be that my invention is flawed.
But according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours!"
Monday, July 24, 2006
Not Since 1955!
A crusty old U.S. Army Sargeant found himself at a gala
event downtown, hosted by a local liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies
in attendance, one of whom approached the Sargeant for
conversation. She said, "Excuse me, Sir, but you seem to be a very serious
man. Are you this way all the time, or is something
bothering you?" "No," the Sargeant said, "Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and
said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." The Sargeant's short reply was, "Yes, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation,
said, "You know, you should lighten up a little-- relax and
enjoy yourself." The Sargeant just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally, the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't
take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had
sex?" The Sargeant looked at her and replied, "1955." She said, "Well, that's the hang-up-- you need to chill out
and quit taking everything so seriously. I mean, no sex
since 1955! Isn't that a little extreme?" The Sargeant, glancing at his watch, said in his
matter-of-fact voice, "Oh, I don't know. It's only 2130
now."
event downtown, hosted by a local liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies
in attendance, one of whom approached the Sargeant for
conversation. She said, "Excuse me, Sir, but you seem to be a very serious
man. Are you this way all the time, or is something
bothering you?" "No," the Sargeant said, "Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and
said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." The Sargeant's short reply was, "Yes, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation,
said, "You know, you should lighten up a little-- relax and
enjoy yourself." The Sargeant just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally, the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't
take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had
sex?" The Sargeant looked at her and replied, "1955." She said, "Well, that's the hang-up-- you need to chill out
and quit taking everything so seriously. I mean, no sex
since 1955! Isn't that a little extreme?" The Sargeant, glancing at his watch, said in his
matter-of-fact voice, "Oh, I don't know. It's only 2130
now."
In Teriffic Shape!
A 60-year-old man went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told
him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why,
you might live forever. You have the body of a 35 year old. By the
way, how old was your father when he died?" The 60 year old responded, "Did I say he was dead?" The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very
active?" The 60 year old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still
goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week
during the summer." The doctor couldn't believe it. "Well, how old was your grandfather
when he died?" The 60 year old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?" The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60
years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is
your grandfather very active?" The 60 year old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and
surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the
patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is
getting married again." The doctor said, "At 106 years, why on earth would your grandfather
want to get married?" His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted
to?"
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him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why,
you might live forever. You have the body of a 35 year old. By the
way, how old was your father when he died?" The 60 year old responded, "Did I say he was dead?" The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very
active?" The 60 year old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still
goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week
during the summer." The doctor couldn't believe it. "Well, how old was your grandfather
when he died?" The 60 year old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?" The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60
years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is
your grandfather very active?" The 60 year old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and
surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the
patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is
getting married again." The doctor said, "At 106 years, why on earth would your grandfather
want to get married?" His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted
to?"
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The Doctor Visit
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into hisoffice alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.
Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly; make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife.
"What did the doctor say?" ... She replied; "He said you're going to die..."
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Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly; make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife.
"What did the doctor say?" ... She replied; "He said you're going to die..."
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The Baby Turtle
A baby turtle was standing at the bottom of a large tree and with a deep sigh, started to climb. About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked along it to the end. He turned and spread all four flippers and launched himself off the branch. On landing at the bottom in a pile of soft dead leaves, he shook himself off, walked back to the bottom of the tree and with a sigh started to climb.
About an hour later, he again reached the very high branch, walked along it, turned, spread his flippers and flung himself off the branch. Again, he landed on the bottom, shook himself off, went to the bottom of the tree, sighed and started climbing.
Watching these pathetic proceedings from the end of the branch were two little birds. Mummy bird turned to Daddy bird and said, "Don't you think it's time we told Junior he was adopted?"
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About an hour later, he again reached the very high branch, walked along it, turned, spread his flippers and flung himself off the branch. Again, he landed on the bottom, shook himself off, went to the bottom of the tree, sighed and started climbing.
Watching these pathetic proceedings from the end of the branch were two little birds. Mummy bird turned to Daddy bird and said, "Don't you think it's time we told Junior he was adopted?"
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A Last Note!
Here's a favorite joke of mine.
Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death.
The family called their pastor to stand with them. As the pastor stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died.
The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.
He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."
He opened the note, and read, "A**hole, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"
Saying The Right Thing!
Larry wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Larry looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean.
So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating.
Larry asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Larry asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married'!"
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He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Larry looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean.
So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating.
Larry asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Larry asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married'!"
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An Unhappy Customer!
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged.
Before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked.
"That's the one!"
"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?"
"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."
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Before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked.
"That's the one!"
"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?"
"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."
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Harvard Grads!
Two young men who had just graduated from Harvard were excited and talkative about their future plans as they got into a taxi in downtown Boston.
After hearing them for a couple of minutes, the cab driver asked, "You men Harvard graduates?"
"Yes Sir! Class of '05!" they answered proudly.
The cab driver extended his hand back to shake their hand, saying, "Class of '63."
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After hearing them for a couple of minutes, the cab driver asked, "You men Harvard graduates?"
"Yes Sir! Class of '05!" they answered proudly.
The cab driver extended his hand back to shake their hand, saying, "Class of '63."
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This joke is cold blooded, I like it!
This joke is cold blooded, I like it!
An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a fight, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most... "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions:
Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?
The wife put down her drink and said. . .
"Nah... let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down!"YDD- Undiscovered Country
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An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a fight, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most... "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions:
Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?
The wife put down her drink and said. . .
"Nah... let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down!"
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A Talking Dog
A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 he's willing to bet anyone who says he can't.
The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks, "What's the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside?" The dog answers "ROOF." The bartender says, "Who are you kidding? I'm not paying."
The dogs owner says, "How about double or nothing and I'll ask him something else."
The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks, "Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time?" The dog answers with a muffled "RUTH."
With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door.
As they bounce on the sidewalk, the dog looks at his owner and says, "DiMaggio?"
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Muldoon was drunk again!
Another of my all time favorite jokes!
Muldoon was drunk as Cooter Brown again. He was face down on his favorite bar when he awoke to see a nun walking through, It was Sister Mary Kathryn, a wee elderly nun from the Convent of the Immaculate Conception. She’d been in the lounge to pick up a donation for an orphanage from the manager. Muldoon jumps up, he slams the little old nun against the wall and when she falls unconscious to the floor he stomps her unmercifully! Muldoon stands up tall and proud and he says to the nun, “You’re not so effin’ tough now, are you, Batman?”
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