This guy is in line

This guy is in line at the Super Market when he notices a hot blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him. He is stunned that such a hottie would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "Sorry, do you know me?" She replies "I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!" His mind remembers back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful to his wife, "Christ!" he says, "Are you that stripper at my bachelor party I had on the pool table in front of all my friends, while your partner whipped me with wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ass?" "No" she coldly replied, "I'm your son's English Teacher."

An elderly lady was placed in a nursing home

An elderly lady was placed in a nursing home by her adult daughter. One day one of the nurses put the woman in a chair by a window thinking she might like to get some sun and watch the outside view. As the nurse glanced over from time-to-time to make certain the woman was alright, she noticed the patient was starting to slowly lean to the left. After watching her lean more and more for awhile, the nurse walked over and straightened the patient in her chair. Awhile later the nurse noticed the elderly patient was starting to lean toward the right side. After awhile of this the nurse walked over and once more straightened the patient. A short time later the daughter of the woman came to visit. She asked her mother how she was doing in the nursing home. "Oh, the food's good, the nurses are nice to me, and there seems to be plenty to do around here." "That's wonderful, Mother," the daughter exclaims, happily. "There's only one problem I'm having," the elderly mother states. "What's that, Mom?" "This one nurse won't let me fart when I need to."

This is one of my favorites. It has suprise, irony, and humor.

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement. "Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have intercourse with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks." Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!" "Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help." "By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house."

Henry Ford dies and goes to Heaven. At the gates, St. Peter greets Ford, and tells him, "Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention . . . the assembly line for the automobile . . . changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven that you want." Ford thinks a minute, then says, "I want to hang out with God himself." So the befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room, and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, "When you invented Woman, what were you thinking?" God asks, "What do you mean?" "Well," says Ford, " you have some major design flaws in your invention. 1. There's too much front end protrusion. 2. It chatters way too much at high speeds. 3. Maintenance is extremely high. 4. It constantly needs repainting and refinishing. 5. It is out of commission at least 5 or 6 of every 28 days. 6. The rear end wobbles too much. 7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust. 8. The headlights are usually too small. 9. Fuel consumption is outrageous - - Just to name a few" "Hmmmm. . ." replies God. "Hold on a minute." God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. In no time, the computer prints out a report, and God reads it. God then turns to Ford, and says, " It may be that my invention is flawed. But according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours!"